Shpeaking when Shleeping with a Mouthguard

Sunday Stealing by Bev is a rather clever way to prevent procrastinating when writing. This might not be a novel, but the questions she poses make you think about your answer.

1 Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

Closed, for neatness and also to prevent Dean from smacking into them during his 3am wee walk.  The gap between our bed and the wardrobe is pretty slim.  New apartments aren't too generous with space.

2 Do You Have Freckles?

For someone with skin whiter than the palest foundation available, surprisingly very few.  My mother was very conscious of protecting my skin from the killer rays of the Aussie sun in the 70s and 80s, so I regularly swam with a t-shirt on and limbs and face slathered in what was the highest level of protection that a sunscreen could legally print on their bottles: 15+.

As it happens, this week I visited a dermatologist for the first time and had two basal cell carcinomas removed from my head.  With blood and antiseptic soaked hair from my right ear and dribbling from the hairline of the left side of my forehead, I looked like a drunk old lady who'd lost a punch up with some rubbish bins.  It did, however, give me a very large choice in what seats on the bus I wanted.

What worries me more is that the dermatologist has scheduled me for a FULL BODY examination in May. Look, I'm fifty two.  There are facial folds that remain in concertina mode for the entire day; an extra ten kilograms reducing me to the shape of an acorn and a stomach you could post an iPad in.  Acting out the middle-aged female representation of Leonardo DaVinci's 'Vetruvian Man' isn't going to be fun for anyone involved.

3 Can You Whistle?

I can, but not the really loud, two fingers in the mouth call that farmers can make to bring in their dogs from the fields.  Instead, I can whistle tunes pretty accurately which, if considered a skill, has provided me with no additional advantages in life whatsoever.

4 Last Song You Listened To.

'Blue' by Eiffel 65.  It was on the radio all the time the year that our daughter was born, so I used to dance with her around the kitchen to it.  Yesterday however, it was being blasted across the soccer field as a PE teacher was leading his class in step aerobics with this as the theme song.

5 Name Something That Relaxes You.

Prescription sleeping tablets.  I wish I could say physical exhaustion (which I usually have), or mental tiredness (ditto), but drifting off into dreamland seems to be a special skill that others have mastered and, like reading music or truly understanding French, I most certainly have not.  These pills are only temporary offerings but to be knocked out by midnight and awake at 8am is a feeling that (apart from hangovers) I've never experienced before.  And before you ask, yes I've tried hypnosis, meditation, yoga, bedtime habits and 'hygiene,' and herbs.  There's a buzzing streak of anxiety within me that of course aids and abets my depression.  Whenever a complex task is completed or a useful idea put into practice, the sense of relaxation is never allowed to visit me for very long.  Even if I'm reading a book I feel guilty and lazy about wasting time doing it.

6 What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

The tiny rip of thin cardboard and then the thin crackle of foil as a Lindt block is being opened.  The snore of a dog who knows he's the best boy and has had the best day. Frying onions and bacon. Our delonghi grinding the coffee beans. The tap of keys on the keyboard when you're in the zone. The pop of a champagne cork. Music that, when you hear it, takes you instantly back to the time, age and feelings you experienced when you first heard it. Laughter.

7 What Do You Wear To Bed?

Oh, I'm a stunner, me. Undies, of course, because I'd hate to be caught by a burglar or some weird 'surprise' reality/game show/Michael McIntyre film crew with my front bottom on show.  Baggy old t-shirt.  Mouthguard to prevent teeth grinding but makes it so that I shpeak shushpishishly like a shedated sheptuagenarian on shuper shtrong shleeping pillsh.

8 Do You Sing In The Shower?

More humming than singing and mostly because they're annoying earworms like - and these are all recent examples - Lemon Tree Very Pretty, Bob the Builder, Copacobana, Baggy Trousers and, most oddly of all, An English Country Garden. 

9 What Books Are You Reading?

Bugger Banksy by Roy D Hacksaw

10 Do You Believe In Magic?

That's a bit of a double-edged question.  Yes, magic exists if performed by very clever and skilled people called 'magicians' and we can't see their sleight of hand or work out the trick.  But electricity doesn't arrive into my electrical outlets by 'magic.'  So, my answer is no. All magic can be explained.

11 Can You Curl Your Tongue?

Yes.  And, like being able to whistle in tune, it has brought me neither fame nor fortune.

12 Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

No.  Last summer one flew by and landed on the top of my dog's head while he was busy sniffing the grass.  It was over in seconds and therefore impossible to get my iphone out, unlock it and take the photo.  It's a beautiful scene I replay in my mind often though.

13 Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

Watching it at a relatively young age, 'Elephant Man' made me cry a lot. The fact that it was a true story and the unrelenting cruelty shown to John Merrick shocked me to my core.  I've never been able to watch it since.  As an older person, there have been too many to single down to just one.  Schindler's List. Brokeback Mountain. The opening story of Pixar's 'Up.' Dead Poet's Society; Platoon; Sophie's Choice, The Deer Hunter, Gallipoli.  Our daughter was a baby when we watched 'Welcome to Sarajevo' and in the scene when they try to remove the baby from the bus I had to rush into her room and pick her up and hold her.

14 Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Peanuts. Sunflower seeds are boring!

15 Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

Oh, how I wish.  Countless early AM hours have been spent either lying in bed with a too-hot pillow, wandering legs, itchy sheets or out in front of the TV or sitting on the toilet looking at my iphone feeling like the loneliest person in the world while everyone else is peacefully sleeping.  Falling asleep quickly, staying asleep and enjoying a deep restorative sleep are techniques or physical abilities that I've missed out on completely. I'm lucky to average four hours per night and can keep this up for a fortnight before 'treating' myself to a sleeping pill.

And let me add a question for you: We often say, after enduring something really awful that we 'wouldn't wish it on our worst enemy.'  What, then, WOULD you wish on your worst enemy?