Playing (desperately unwanted) Footsie

Of course. Even if you're repelled or amused in a disgusted sort of way, if you click on those infernal Facebook adverts, they will continue to offer you even more.

On an intellectual level, this is understood, but the 'you've got to be KIDDING me - they think that THIS is what I'm looking for' curiosity for further thrills and giggles wins out every time.

And so, we have more butt ugly shoes that the Facebook algorithm gift pixies think I'd gladly throw my money at.  Why should I suffer alone, why not share them with you?

Again, I'm not five years old. Nor a virgin.  However, they do give me cravings for a hot pasty slathered in tomato sauce....

If your partner has been asked by the midwife to tear his anguished eyes away from your straining face to take a look at the baby's head while it's crowning, he's likely to faint.  Instead, why not ask the nurse to wear these shoes so that he can be spared the more graphic images of a shredded vagina and imagine it more like a badly designed leather rose instead?

These have 'wild' in their title, and many minutes have already been wasted pondering just why that word was considered a good descriptor for the loudest pair of shoes a librarian could only dream of wearing after hitting the Pimms and lemonade.

High heeled thongs.  Yes, we call them thongs.  Flip Flops.  If the painful toe grabbing lessons learned by 1990s mule (shoe, not donkey and horse offspring) wearing fashion victims weren't observed, how in the hell is someone supposed to keep these on their feet whilst, call me crazy for assuming this, walking anywhere?

Oh bugger it.  These toe flats are not just 'distressed,' they've melted.  I'd look like I'd fallen asleep too close to the fire if I ventured around town in these hand-stitched atrocities.

Noooooooooooooo............ they've only gone and SKINNED Elmo, buffed his fur to an unnaturally mirror-like shine and put his EYEBALLS back on so he'll be forever tortured in being witness to wherever his IQ challenged wearer decides to take him. 

I've mentioned before that I've got large feet.  Unless a flash flood has dramatically occurred and a couple of canoes are needed to save all elderly and infirm inhabitants of the village, I think I'll leave the two of the words they've used: 'fashion low' to speak for themselves.

Many's the time I've wanted a beach tent to protect the top of my feet - but not the toes, mind - when taking out the recycling.

Now look.  These would indeed look great on someone with sexy legs happy to strut their stuff in a heaving Mykonos nightclub.  But seeing as they've been recommended for me, a person whose legs resemble fluoro tubes filled with cottage cheese.... not so much.  A walk to the recycling bins would be memorable, however.

There's a lot to analyse here.  Firstly the model is pigeon-toed.  Secondly the sneakers have a wedge heel on top of the third and most obviously challenging issue, that of the unwieldy stacked platforms.  This footwear style seems a particularly cruel choice to offer a young girl who, as they're described as 'sports' shoes will put them on only to wind up knock-kneed in a ditch before even reaching the first hurdle.

Okay yes, there's humour here.  Despite this, a kitchen curtain ruffle and a pearl-studded pineapple is not going to give you a comfortable stroll through the dusty paths of ancient Delphi.  You will end up with toes more suited to curling around a parrot's perch and the rough end of the pineapple is likely to reward you with a blister on the top of the second toe.

Let's get out the chamois that's been sitting in the car door unused for years; some roses from an old chocolate box and steal the laces from dad's work shoes.  And the result: sheltered workshop meets pissed-as-a-newt during lockdown when Netflix is unavailable.

I dare this woman to run anywhere with just a square button holding her feet to the sole of her sandal.  Why not just paint them on, they'll be just about as useful.

And thus I conclude, ready to step outside with Felix in my hiking boots.  They're fragrant with mud and definitely smell as though a bit of unwanted horse manure has taken up residence inside the wide tread indents and the inside lining is now so loose it comes out when my feet do.  Even so, none of the above will be under consideration when I'm back online looking for my replacement pair.