Shpeaking when Shleeping with a Mouthguard

Sunday Stealing by Bev is a rather clever way to prevent procrastinating when writing. This might not be a novel, but the questions she poses make you think about your answer.

1 Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

Closed, for neatness and also to prevent Dean from smacking into them during his 3am wee walk.  The gap between our bed and the wardrobe is pretty slim.  New apartments aren't too generous with space.

2 Do You Have Freckles?

For someone with skin whiter than the palest foundation available, surprisingly very few.  My mother was very conscious of protecting my skin from the killer rays of the Aussie sun in the 70s and 80s, so I regularly swam with a t-shirt on and limbs and face slathered in what was the highest level of protection that a sunscreen could legally print on their bottles: 15+.

As it happens, this week I visited a dermatologist for the first time and had two basal cell carcinomas removed from my head.  With blood and antiseptic soaked hair from my right ear and dribbling from the hairline of the left side of my forehead, I looked like a drunk old lady who'd lost a punch up with some rubbish bins.  It did, however, give me a very large choice in what seats on the bus I wanted.

What worries me more is that the dermatologist has scheduled me for a FULL BODY examination in May. Look, I'm fifty two.  There are facial folds that remain in concertina mode for the entire day; an extra ten kilograms reducing me to the shape of an acorn and a stomach you could post an iPad in.  Acting out the middle-aged female representation of Leonardo DaVinci's 'Vetruvian Man' isn't going to be fun for anyone involved.

3 Can You Whistle?

I can, but not the really loud, two fingers in the mouth call that farmers can make to bring in their dogs from the fields.  Instead, I can whistle tunes pretty accurately which, if considered a skill, has provided me with no additional advantages in life whatsoever.

4 Last Song You Listened To.

'Blue' by Eiffel 65.  It was on the radio all the time the year that our daughter was born, so I used to dance with her around the kitchen to it.  Yesterday however, it was being blasted across the soccer field as a PE teacher was leading his class in step aerobics with this as the theme song.

5 Name Something That Relaxes You.

Prescription sleeping tablets.  I wish I could say physical exhaustion (which I usually have), or mental tiredness (ditto), but drifting off into dreamland seems to be a special skill that others have mastered and, like reading music or truly understanding French, I most certainly have not.  These pills are only temporary offerings but to be knocked out by midnight and awake at 8am is a feeling that (apart from hangovers) I've never experienced before.  And before you ask, yes I've tried hypnosis, meditation, yoga, bedtime habits and 'hygiene,' and herbs.  There's a buzzing streak of anxiety within me that of course aids and abets my depression.  Whenever a complex task is completed or a useful idea put into practice, the sense of relaxation is never allowed to visit me for very long.  Even if I'm reading a book I feel guilty and lazy about wasting time doing it.

6 What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

The tiny rip of thin cardboard and then the thin crackle of foil as a Lindt block is being opened.  The snore of a dog who knows he's the best boy and has had the best day. Frying onions and bacon. Our delonghi grinding the coffee beans. The tap of keys on the keyboard when you're in the zone. The pop of a champagne cork. Music that, when you hear it, takes you instantly back to the time, age and feelings you experienced when you first heard it. Laughter.

7 What Do You Wear To Bed?

Oh, I'm a stunner, me. Undies, of course, because I'd hate to be caught by a burglar or some weird 'surprise' reality/game show/Michael McIntyre film crew with my front bottom on show.  Baggy old t-shirt.  Mouthguard to prevent teeth grinding but makes it so that I shpeak shushpishishly like a shedated sheptuagenarian on shuper shtrong shleeping pillsh.

8 Do You Sing In The Shower?

More humming than singing and mostly because they're annoying earworms like - and these are all recent examples - Lemon Tree Very Pretty, Bob the Builder, Copacobana, Baggy Trousers and, most oddly of all, An English Country Garden. 

9 What Books Are You Reading?

Bugger Banksy by Roy D Hacksaw

10 Do You Believe In Magic?

That's a bit of a double-edged question.  Yes, magic exists if performed by very clever and skilled people called 'magicians' and we can't see their sleight of hand or work out the trick.  But electricity doesn't arrive into my electrical outlets by 'magic.'  So, my answer is no. All magic can be explained.

11 Can You Curl Your Tongue?

Yes.  And, like being able to whistle in tune, it has brought me neither fame nor fortune.

12 Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

No.  Last summer one flew by and landed on the top of my dog's head while he was busy sniffing the grass.  It was over in seconds and therefore impossible to get my iphone out, unlock it and take the photo.  It's a beautiful scene I replay in my mind often though.

13 Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

Watching it at a relatively young age, 'Elephant Man' made me cry a lot. The fact that it was a true story and the unrelenting cruelty shown to John Merrick shocked me to my core.  I've never been able to watch it since.  As an older person, there have been too many to single down to just one.  Schindler's List. Brokeback Mountain. The opening story of Pixar's 'Up.' Dead Poet's Society; Platoon; Sophie's Choice, The Deer Hunter, Gallipoli.  Our daughter was a baby when we watched 'Welcome to Sarajevo' and in the scene when they try to remove the baby from the bus I had to rush into her room and pick her up and hold her.

14 Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Peanuts. Sunflower seeds are boring!

15 Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

Oh, how I wish.  Countless early AM hours have been spent either lying in bed with a too-hot pillow, wandering legs, itchy sheets or out in front of the TV or sitting on the toilet looking at my iphone feeling like the loneliest person in the world while everyone else is peacefully sleeping.  Falling asleep quickly, staying asleep and enjoying a deep restorative sleep are techniques or physical abilities that I've missed out on completely. I'm lucky to average four hours per night and can keep this up for a fortnight before 'treating' myself to a sleeping pill.

And let me add a question for you: We often say, after enduring something really awful that we 'wouldn't wish it on our worst enemy.'  What, then, WOULD you wish on your worst enemy?

All the holiday needed was 'yackety sax' on repeat

Bev from Sunday Stealing regularly poses a list of questions that exhausted bloggers can use as a spring board for reminiscing, opining or just pausing to have a bit of a think.

1. What is the farthest you have ever traveled?

Being an Aussie, if you ventured further than New Zealand or Bali you were already considered an intrepid traveler.  Adelaide, South Australia to Aberdeen, Scotland might have been the furthest, if specifically counting kilometres.  It was also my first flight as an excited twelve year old in December 1980. In those days you could press the 'summon flight attendant' button and they would actually arrive. I wore that thing out - and the hostie - and overdosed on fanta, peanuts and toblerones. This resulted in my mother holding my hair out of my face as I puked it all back up during our stopover in Bahrain.

2. Who did you date while in high school?

Only at the very end of my final year.  I kissed a boy during a drama camp a couple of years earlier. We each wrote each other one awkward letter but I used this as 'my boyfriend who lives in Clare' excuse for at least another year to avoid the embarrassment of being rejected by any more closely located males.

By year twelve, I was ready to risk things and Sean and I went as partners to our senior ball.  We dated for nearly three years, so for a first boyfriend he was a pretty decent pick.

3. What is one of the worst trips you've ever taken? What went wrong?

Oh lordy....... Egypt for Christmas in 1991.  Leonie and I were young Aussies in London and thought that a fortnight in Egypt flying via Romanian airlines would be a marvelous idea.  We were stranded for twenty four hours in the post-communism, still-inept Bucharest airport which appeared to be a shed sitting on a sheet of ice.  Blocked toilets, no heating, staff who pulled down the blinds over the 'help desk' if we dared approach and only 'toblerone' (there seems to be a theme here) and Romanian champagne to eat if you had some cash.  Most of us deciding that getting drunk on dodgy fizz was the way to cope.

Egypt wasn't much better.  We wore wedding rings and said that our husbands were still in London, dressed very modestly and covered our hair.  This did not deter the ardor or bravado of the local gentlemen and our tour of the interior of the Cheops pyramid involved me trying to reach around to slap the face of the paid tour guide who was pinching my arse.  We emerged into the daylight only to be propositioned by a fourteen year old boy and having to make a run for it after our camel ride turned ugly. Most of the trip seemed to pass by in a haze of being the female extras in a never-ending Benny Hill skit.

4. How do you like to spend a lazy day?

Lockdown has made those lazy day options a year-long one here in France.  Making and drinking good coffee. Cuddling and walking Felix.  Cuddling but not walking my husband Dean.  Kneading bread dough.  Clicking onto the third episode of a Netflix series that you already have a good feeling about. Reading a good book. Facetiming with my daughter.

5. How old were you when you found out that JFK had been assassinated? How did it affect you?

Before my time and very rarely mentioned in my rural South Australian upbringing.  The price of petrol, getting a new Woolworths complex and trying not to wet my pants when the Murray River Bunyip roared at me were our bigger concerns.

This guy was scary!

6. Who has been one of the most important people in your life?

My paternal grandfather, John H Read.  He died at ninety three and remained kind, thoughtful, open-minded and generous right up to the last second. His humour, energy and legendary sweet tooth will never be forgotten.  He once said of my cricket mad, reading-averse brother, "I was going to give you a book but you've already got one."

My grandfather in the 1930s

7. What is one trait you would most like to improve in yourself?

Eliminating envy. Most people might write something like having more self control over food, booze or other vices or perhaps procrastinate less and I readily identify with both of those yearnings.  Envy or plain old jealousy, sadly, has been a really ugly aspect of my psyche that's easy to stir up. Sometimes it's a struggle to take a breath and apply empathy and congratulations before the nasty pin pricks of 'why can't it be me...' eat up my insides.  How I wish it wasn't so.

8. Did you date someone in college?

The bloke I met in my last year of high school mentioned above.  After that ended, my remaining year had some dalliances but nothing resembling a 'relationship.'

9. What was your dream car?

Do you really want to ask this question and get this fifty something old bag ready for a rant?

Firstly, it was anything that worked, because for most of us, our first car is an old bomb we're thrilled to own because it's ours and gives us freedom.  For me that was a 1971 Renault in 1989.

After that, it was marriage, and a child and several interstate moves.  Cars are shockingly expensive in Australia, so we never ever bought one brand new.  Drops in value the second you drive it off the lot, and so forth.  In Switzerland, aged in our mid-forties, Dean and I bought our first brand new car and were pleasantly surprised at how little it cost compared to what it would be priced in Oz.  However, that 'brand new' car is now considered ancient here as it turns ten years old.  We'll keep driving this hardy little Peugeot 207 for as long as we can.

10. Did you have a family member you wish you'd gotten to know better?

My maternal grandparents.  They died a year apart when I was eight and nine years old. My memories of them are all good ones, but fleeting. Peppermints, tomato plants, watching ABC news, being tucked into WW2 trestle beds extra tightly, which I loved.

11. Tell me about your greatest gardening success.

My mother, who has the gift of a green thumb.  Years ago, on a long drive from Melbourne to Adelaide, we were playing 'guess who.'  It was Dean's turn to pose a question to then-four year old daughter. "Who is wrinkled and is good with plants?"

She had only seen the movie ET the night before and that was the answer she was supposed to give, but 'GRANDMA!' was the name she triumphantly shouted out.

Unfortunately, my mother did not pass on any of her gardening skills to me. I can't even keep supermarket basil alive.   

12. What was your Dad like when you were a child?

He was brilliant. Loving, funny, interested in everything, kind, quirky, intelligent. I tried to do him justice here - https://kathlockett.medium.com/a-love-letter-to-my-eighty-year-old-dad-decd2157ccc0

13. What is the best job you've ever had?

Don't think I've found it yet.  Freelance writing is good on a personal level but it's dishonest to say that when Dean has the 'real' day job that is reliable, gives satisfactory perks and pays the bills.  

14. What are your favorite songs?

This varies from mood to mood, day to day.  The Gary Jules version of 'Mad World' literally stops me in my tracks every single time I hear it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHtcliIvnHI

15. If you could choose any talents to have, what would they be?

The ability to make people laugh; give them some immediate joy but without hurting anyone else to do it. Who doesn't want a good, uncomplicated belly laugh with a friend?